I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
