You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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