I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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