Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
