i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
