Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Randomize