neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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