I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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