mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
