New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
She needs sedatives and a leash
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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