dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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