are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize