so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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