piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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