i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
