this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
