Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The uberlube is also flammable
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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