Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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