apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
