please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
