1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
