Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
pop tarts are not kleenex
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
