I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
This beer is not sobering me up at all
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
