my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Never underestimate the power of titties
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