k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
