So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize