chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
