We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
