if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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