How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
