my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize