Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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