Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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