I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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