Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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