So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize