Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
