Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize