So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize
