I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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