I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Randomize
