You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
