Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
