Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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