So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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