after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Bring me that man meat
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize