The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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