Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
