I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
