do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
