I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
