I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
