Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
