sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
