I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
