i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
