we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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