porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
